Teaching. That was the only reason I didn't want to be here when I first came. I didn't realize how much they wanted someone to teach the kids about the language of English. I can't teach, I couldn't teach, I was afraid to teach... but I learned and adapted. The only way that any of those kids will retain what I taught is by God's grace. Teaching frightened me above all else; I loathed it. I loved inviting others to church, I loved helping in services, I loved being in the ministry of the church. School? I was afraid. Teachers have a responsibility that is higher than most. They are part of the force that drives the world. My world looked so much like chaos that I was afraid of passing anything on to others. Why should I be chosen for this task? There are others more qualified for this than me. There are those who *want* to teach, that is their passion. But then I realized, others didn't come, others were not here... I came, I was here, I was... available.
God likes availability over qualifications or degrees. I'm still learning that. I heard it over and over again in college: God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. He called me into ministry and forced me to do what I thought was impossible. I still don't believe that I'm fit to be a teacher, but the real lesson here was not to become a teacher. The lesson was about being available.
Life teaches us all kinds of things. Practical things, impractical things, what works, what doesn't. College was the book work; El Salvador was the field test. This is one of those places that I would *love* to return to someday and, Lord-willing, I shall!
I have learned in the short (almost 24) years of my life that every place you go will teach you something and/or become a stepping stone in shaping you. The Christian school I grew up in taught me the basics of life. My church taught me the doctrines that would shape my beliefs. The mission trip I took to the Philippines in Jr. High led me to go to West Coast Baptist College. There were many lessons between high school and my 2nd year of college that reshaped my disciplines. I learned maturity and willingness to let God lead my life. My jobs in college taught me skills and how to work with others, even if our beliefs didn't exactly coincide with one another. West Coast taught me the book work, the ability to study God's Word, the proofs that would carve my beliefs in stone, the will to keep going despite fear and personal doubt.
El Salvador. This has been my most recent lesson. A lesson in patience, a lesson in willingness, a lesson in leadership and initiative, a lesson in thinking creatively, a lesson in cultural difference and language studies, a lesson in taking things as they come and not becoming wrathful about changed plans, a lesson in independence (every place teaches me something new about that!), and a lesson in grace.
I know not what my next step will be. Where I will go, what I will do... but God knows. God knows and He has a plan. You don't have to know God's plan to follow Him.
Stay in His will, He'll show it to you soon enough.